On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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