how can u be prego again
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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