i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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