I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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