I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
