farters have to be the big spoon...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Randomize