he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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