Only a mothe r could love this liver
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
