I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
