Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
