he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
This is the high leading the old right now
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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