the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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