My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
