My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
