I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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