I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I need to sanitize my soul.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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