this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
