well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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