What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
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