I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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