you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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