yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
