i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Randomize
