My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
