Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize