So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
We have so much sex to catch up on
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
This toilet bowl is my home.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
