I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
