You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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