there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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