I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Randomize
