So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
