Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
