i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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