I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
