i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
