I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
