She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
