that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
