The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
