Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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