I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
