You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
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