What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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