dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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