genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
