the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
