a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize