Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
