U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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