Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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