accomplished twins. life is a go
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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