So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
