Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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