At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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