OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
