i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize