my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
