i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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