the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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