He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Randomize
