Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
