some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize