on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
