those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
