you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize