I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize