You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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