oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
