I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
